Music to my Ears

The music playing in a store says a lot about the company. Some places, such as Aberzombies and Bitch, have edgy, techno club remixes playing, appealing to a customer's hip and trendy side. Other places, such as Bollister, play punk-pop music, enhancing the rebellious and carefree vibe. Pantyland generally plays pretty decent music (think Regina Spektor, Mika, Florence and the Machine types).

But no soundtrack is perfect. Sometimes a weird one will make its way into the mix. This next song is one such song. And it does play at Pantyland.

If the Sonic and Mario theme songs went on an acid trip together, this would be the result.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Sometimes associates must deal with "demanding" customers. It is in these customers that we find an exercise in self-restraint.

This is what I look like:



This is how I actually feel.



And in case you were wondering, yes, that is a bear-o-dactyl.

No Really, I Do

Everyone once in a long while, you get a customer who is just plain awesome.

At the GAS sale, everything is either on a sale wall or in a sale bin. Customers don't always treat the merchandise well and will just pull out what they want. Consequently, the price tags fall off, and the sales associate must run and find the same item with a tag still attached. Sometimes it's the last one, and a manager must come and price it for us. As you can imagine, this causes quite the bottleneck at the cash register.

But not today.

Customer was the next person in line at the cash wrap. She placed a bra on the counter, and like many before her, told me:

"This one doesn't have a price tag."

Being the middle of my shift, I was about ready to cry at the point. But then she reached down and placed an identical bra on the table and said:

"But I went ahead and grabbed another bra like it that had a price tag on it. I hope that's ok"

I looked her straight in the eye and said "I Love You." Customer laughed. "I'm not kidding. Usually I have to go find the price tag for the customer." She told me that she had worked in retail before and understood how much big sales can suck.

Awesome customers make my life :D

Is This on Sale?

A Handy-Dandy-How-To-Guide on determining if an item is on sale.

1. Pick up an item from one of our sale bins
2. Locate the price tag
3. This is the key step: TURN THE TAG OVER
4. If it has a red sale sticker on it, Congratulations! It's on Sale!

It's really that simple!

Thank God for Counters...

...for the customers sake that is.

Currently, Pantyland is having its Giant-Ass-Sale-That-Happens-Twice-A-Year. Tuesday was the first day of this sale. On the first day of the Giant-Ass-Sale (GAS), we were extemely busy. This wasn't a big surprise. I had worked the GAS last year, and it's an absolute madhouse. Lines at the registers are extemely long. As a sales associate, there's nothing I can do about it. A lot of people just happen to attend the first day of GAS. This wasn't the problem on this particular Tuesday. The problem was when a customer(s) decided to be difficult AND there's a long line of people.

Never has my blood pressure risen so high because of one single customer.

I will openly admit that this situation occurred because of an cashiering error that I made. I had accidentally rang up an item twice, so that the woman was being charged for something she didn't buy. To be fair, this was my fourth consecutive hour of cashiering, so I was tired and my eyes were starting to glaze over.

However, the customer could have:
A) handled this honest mistake more graciously
B) cut me some slack.
C) waited patiently
D) all of the above.

I believe D would be the correct answer.

After I finished ringing up this woman's items, she looked at her receipt and noticed that I accidentally charged her for two of the same bra. Again, a very honest mistake. I apologized and offered to quickly put the money back onto her credit card, 3 minutes max. She began lecturing me on how I should be paying better attention (meanwhile, I have 8 customers in my line), I didn't know how to do my job, and that I must have made other mistakes as well. So she told me to count the items in her bag and the items on the receipt. There was only one extra item, and it was the bra. Convinced that I had somehow entered the wrong price on other items (which are all stored in the computer), the woman told me to recheck everything. And circle their prices on the receipt.
So I did.
All $238 of it.
Turns out, the bra was the only incorrect item. The customer realized that she was wrong and had caused my line to bottleneck for absolutely no reason. She began apologizing profusely. Thank god for that counter because I was dangerously close to tackling her to the ground.

Luckily, the woman in line behind this customer had worked in retail before and completely understood and was not irritated in the least bit. Otherwise I might have cried.

It's a Man's World

I think Pantyland is run by men.

Why do I think this? Someone, somewhere, thought it was a good idea to try and hang silky things on silky hangers. I don't think I need to tell you how much this doesn't work.

Why do I think this was a man's idea?

Women can cook AND clean AND have a job AND still look good at the end of the day. Now, I'm not saying men can't do that too. My very own father works and cooks and cleans just as much as my mother. However, I can't say I know any women who set their toaster on fire because they forgot to take the Poptart out of the foil wrapper.

Maybe It's Just Me...

At Pantyland, we put tissue paper in the bags so that they look pretty and feminine.

Sometimes, I like to take a piece of tissue paper in each hand and whirl them around. It makes me feel like one of those asian fan-dancers.

I Don't Sew.

The most frustrating customers fall in to one of two categories: women and children. My store sells bras and panties (We'll call it "Pantyland"), so I work with the former.

I'll just go ahead and say it - Women are BITCHY.

A customer ("Sporty") came in today looking for a particular kind of bra (wireless). We don't have a lot of styles in this particular kind of bra, but Pantyland does have a couple of styles. I showed Sporty the different options. Then she wanted to see another kind of bra (unlined). No big deal, lots of women want options. So I led her to unlined bras. Then, she wanted to see a bra that combined the two (unlined wireless). Unfortunately, we don't carry those. Insert Dirty look # 1. Sporty then decided to go back to the first bras I showed her. She told me what size she wanted, and then stood and watched while I dug through the bra bin. We didn't have her size. Dirty look # 2. So we went to the other bra bins. Again, she watched while I dug through 30 bras looking for her size. It wasn't the color she wanted. Dirty Look #3. Bra in hand, I got her a dressing room. It wasn't big enough. Dirty Look #4. Sporty decides that she doesn't like the color of the bra, but wants to try on a sports bra. And yoga shorts. I go get them for her. Decides she likes the sports bra, but in a different color. A color we don't have. The customer stares at me (Dirty Look #5), and huffs that "Well, I really need it in white."

What I would like to say: You need it in white? What we have out is what we have. We don't custom make bras. If we did make custom bras, we wouldn't mass produce all these other ones. However, we don't make custom bras. I don't sew. So don't huff at me and expect me to go to the back and magically produce merchandise that doesn't exist just because you want it.

What I actually said: I'm sorry ma'am, what we have out is what we have. You could try another store or you can order online.

Moral of the story - Associates can't do magic. If we don't have something in stock, you're not getting it today.

Credit Cards

The worst part about working retail by far is selling credit cards. It's not the actual selling that's so bad. I can stand and talk about credit cards for hours. It's the customers that make it terrible. Is it really necessary for you to interrupt me in the middle of my schpiel to tell me that you don't want a credit card? Do you honestly think it's going to make me ring up your merchandise any faster? No. I understand that we try to sell you a credit card every time you come here, really I do. And I understand that you probably get tired of it. But believe me, selling credit cards for 8 straight hours and then getting rejected for 8 straight hours is WAAAAAY worse than being sold to for about 30 seconds. If you don't want a credit card, fine. I don't really give a shit. It's not like I enjoy telling you the benefits of our card. And it's not like I get paid anymore if you sign up for one. I would really prefer to just make small talk and ring up your stuff. But it's my job. I HAVE to do it. So please show a little courtesy and let me finish. Because every time you interrupt me, I'm going to cram all of your shit into the smallest fucking bag I can find. It's not that much to ask. You don't even have to smile at me. Just let me talk, and then you can decline politely. Otherwise, the panties that you bought for your friend's bachelorette party will be wadded and wrinkled. And she will think you're a cheapskate. And an asshole. Cuz you are.

Btw, lady who was still polite to me after standing behind the woman who tried to get a credit card for 20 minutes, you are my hero. I love you.

In the Beginning...

Each summer, thousands of college students across the country flock home in search of a summer job. Like many of these seasonal employees, I work in retail. This is a blog of my experiences as a "sales associate."

Before I begin posting, I would like to add a disclaimer. This blog is not a reflection on my managers, coworkers, or company that I work for (mostly). This is a commentary on the stupidity of the human race.

Retail makes me hate you.